Since I'm currently still not writing anything for paid publication, I decided to continue the holiday theme, giving you guys a taste of my meditations during this joyous season. I know I'm not the only person enduring horrific sadness inspired by midwinter celebrations; our numbers give rise to the phrase "holiday depression syndrome" with good reason. In my case, I'm a writer. I cope with everything at least in part through writing. So here is what I wrote today.
Grief is so odd. It has individual life and rhythm, independent of stages, schedules or expectations. It can hide away for years, lying in wait until it decides to ambush. It dons camouflage, blending with other issues, passing as something less acidic if not completely innocuous. The unexpected break from cover is part and parcel of the devastation, even when you logically know it should be there. Even when you know you’re grieving and why—even when hell and havoc are familiar, when you’ve already done this so many times—even then grief outwits you and repeatedly destroys you. On days you expect to mourn so hard as to be nonfunctional, you sail through with flying colors because grief changed the plan. On days which pose no obvious problems, presenting no identifiable triggers or potentially painful encounters—you collapse, besieged by a random Blitzkrieg of anguish.
Grief has no mercy and no antidote. The only way out is through, and after enough hours, days, lifetimes of despair, it begins to feel like home until it doesn’t anymore.
Grief has no redeeming qualities. People talk about learning from it, but grief teaches two lessons only: endurance and defeat. A loss that leads to grief can perhaps teach from events surrounding it, or not. But the grief itself, the desolate void loss leaves, teaches nothing but how to blindly, doggedly continue struggling until bludgeoned into bloody submission.
And yet, you can’t hate it. Grief isn’t evil or unnatural; it isn’t the enemy. Aside from cause (loss) and effect (sadness, anger), grief is emotion and association neutral. It’s elemental; it just is, like cold in winter and heat in summer, earth underfoot and sky above.
Grief endures forever, imprinted on and permeating the heart and mind. It’s ageless, timeless…the wasteland underlies everything. Shrinks babble about acceptance; perhaps that’s what they mean. Once you understand life as sorrow and joy intermingled and indivisible, two sides of the universal coin, you’ve found acceptance. I wouldn’t know; I still spend days howling in the wilderness, yearning for what I never really had and will never have the illusion of again.
I think that’s what grief is at bottom: the end of all illusions. Stripped, stark, bare and defenseless, grief is a soul exposed. And it fucking hurts, y’all.
No random question for the day. I'm not in the mood.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Getting to Know You...for Christmas
I’m going to take a minute and not write about writing, mostly because I can’t think of anything to say about it that I haven’t already said. Could the previous sentence get any more convoluted? (There’s your token comment about writing.)
Instead I want to make a random post about Christmas. Keep in mind that I am not Christian, so while the state makes December 25th a holiday, it isn’t my holy day. Nor am I any particular form of pagan, so I don’t get excited about Winter Solstice or what have you. But like many people who grew up in the Western Hemisphere, I have memories and associations with Christmas, so since I am basically lazy, I am using a “Christmas edition of getting to know your friends” as a blog entry today. Enjoy, and if you like, copy, insert your answers and pass it on.
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Gift bags or boxes. Much easier. Also recyclable, and I have a thing about responsible paper usage.
2. Real tree or artificial?
Artificial. I prefer keeping real ones in the ground, where they benefit the environment.
3. When do you put up the tree?
If I put one up, usually right after Thanksgiving to get it over with. I didn’t put one up this year. Having a tree, to me, is a thing to do for the kids. I have no more kids at home.
4. When do you take the tree down?
Again, if I put one up, taking it down is a New Year’s Day ritual.
5. Do you like eggnog?
Meh. Depends on the alcohol in it. I prefer my alcohol with other mixers, though.
6. Hardest person to buy for?
Used to be my mother. She's gone now, so -- no one.
8. Easiest person to buy for?
All of them. My other family members make no bones about what they want/need.
9. Do you have a nativity scene?
Not any more. I once bought one I thought was cute, but displaying it became hypocritical many, many moons ago.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Either, as the mood hits me. I don’t do many.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
Too many to mention. My beloved mother was notorious for silly, junkie gifts from Walter Drake catalogs. And candy that she liked and I didn’t.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
The Polar Express. I totally identify with the kid’s doubt. And even when he thinks he’s got proof that Santa exists, it gets ripped away. Welcome to the real world.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Only when I must.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
I really can’t recall.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
The last several years we’ve done a Mexican feast. We like it. Enchiladas (multiple kinds), tamales, rice, beans; build your own tacos, fajitas, tostadas and nachos; quesadillas…we end with cheesecake.
16. What color of lights do you prefer on the tree?
White. Keeps things simple.
17. Favorite Christmas song?
“Oh Holy Night” is a living memory of my mother. “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” is nice and boisterous and vigorous. “Oh Little Town of Bethlehem” and “We Three Kings” are reminiscent of Gregorian chant; cool registers. Ditto "Oh, Come Oh Come Emmanual." “Angels we have heard on high” is musically glorious.
Frankly I just love music, even Christian music.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Used to host the crowd. This is changing. Don’t know what the future holds.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Yes.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Angel. I like magical protective figures, even though they’re practically worthless.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
Always morning, in the past. Santa doesn’t come ‘til kids are asleep on Christmas eve. Again, things are changing. Don’t know what the future holds.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
Christians trying to dictate all midwinter celebration acknowledgements (Merry Christmas vs Happy Holidays vs Xmas controversy), who apparently feel justified in cramming their chosen celebratory form down everyone's throat in public (nativity scenes in government buildings, prayer at workplace parties, etc.) and private...if your friends aren't Christian, may I gently suggest you don't send them "Jesus is the reason for the season" holiday cards? They go straight in the trash, wasting your money and time, and a living tree. On the other hand, "May you and your family be blessed now and in the coming year" usually isn't offensive. If you're unsure about someone's viewpoint, ask. Otherwise, have your celebration as you prefer, and leave the rest of us alone.
(Stepping off the soap box now...)
23. Favorite ornament theme or color?
When my children were at home, every year each of them received a new commemorative ornament of some kind. The tree was a mishmash of memories and I loved it. They are all gone now, and their ornaments with them. Other than that, I like sticking to the greenery theme—you know, the original pagan meaning of life enduring through the cold.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
See Mexican feast above
25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
Peace and goodwill seem appropriate and beneficial, no matter your religious choice or lack of it. Of course, becoming Supreme Dictator of the World would be good, too.
Last call for entries for the Lonely Hearts Mountain book giveaway! Send email entries to romancebyrachelsmith@yahoo.com with “Me, me, me, pick me!” in the subject line, by December 24, 11:59 pm. Barring interference from the Universe, the winner will be notified December 26.
And the random question of the day:
Oscillate my metallic sonatas with your plan for the Panama canal:
Only after you explain to me how and where you obtained or developed musical compositions containing elements that conduct electricity and heat, and form cations and ionic bonds with non-metals. And how you get them to rotate. Yes, I know big words, too.
Instead I want to make a random post about Christmas. Keep in mind that I am not Christian, so while the state makes December 25th a holiday, it isn’t my holy day. Nor am I any particular form of pagan, so I don’t get excited about Winter Solstice or what have you. But like many people who grew up in the Western Hemisphere, I have memories and associations with Christmas, so since I am basically lazy, I am using a “Christmas edition of getting to know your friends” as a blog entry today. Enjoy, and if you like, copy, insert your answers and pass it on.
1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Gift bags or boxes. Much easier. Also recyclable, and I have a thing about responsible paper usage.
2. Real tree or artificial?
Artificial. I prefer keeping real ones in the ground, where they benefit the environment.
3. When do you put up the tree?
If I put one up, usually right after Thanksgiving to get it over with. I didn’t put one up this year. Having a tree, to me, is a thing to do for the kids. I have no more kids at home.
4. When do you take the tree down?
Again, if I put one up, taking it down is a New Year’s Day ritual.
5. Do you like eggnog?
Meh. Depends on the alcohol in it. I prefer my alcohol with other mixers, though.
6. Hardest person to buy for?
Used to be my mother. She's gone now, so -- no one.
8. Easiest person to buy for?
All of them. My other family members make no bones about what they want/need.
9. Do you have a nativity scene?
Not any more. I once bought one I thought was cute, but displaying it became hypocritical many, many moons ago.
10. Mail or email Christmas cards?
Either, as the mood hits me. I don’t do many.
11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?
Too many to mention. My beloved mother was notorious for silly, junkie gifts from Walter Drake catalogs. And candy that she liked and I didn’t.
12. Favorite Christmas Movie?
The Polar Express. I totally identify with the kid’s doubt. And even when he thinks he’s got proof that Santa exists, it gets ripped away. Welcome to the real world.
13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
Only when I must.
14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
I really can’t recall.
15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
The last several years we’ve done a Mexican feast. We like it. Enchiladas (multiple kinds), tamales, rice, beans; build your own tacos, fajitas, tostadas and nachos; quesadillas…we end with cheesecake.
16. What color of lights do you prefer on the tree?
White. Keeps things simple.
17. Favorite Christmas song?
“Oh Holy Night” is a living memory of my mother. “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing” is nice and boisterous and vigorous. “Oh Little Town of Bethlehem” and “We Three Kings” are reminiscent of Gregorian chant; cool registers. Ditto "Oh, Come Oh Come Emmanual." “Angels we have heard on high” is musically glorious.
Frankly I just love music, even Christian music.
18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Used to host the crowd. This is changing. Don’t know what the future holds.
19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Yes.
20. Angel on the tree top or a star?
Angel. I like magical protective figures, even though they’re practically worthless.
21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning?
Always morning, in the past. Santa doesn’t come ‘til kids are asleep on Christmas eve. Again, things are changing. Don’t know what the future holds.
22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year?
Christians trying to dictate all midwinter celebration acknowledgements (Merry Christmas vs Happy Holidays vs Xmas controversy), who apparently feel justified in cramming their chosen celebratory form down everyone's throat in public (nativity scenes in government buildings, prayer at workplace parties, etc.) and private...if your friends aren't Christian, may I gently suggest you don't send them "Jesus is the reason for the season" holiday cards? They go straight in the trash, wasting your money and time, and a living tree. On the other hand, "May you and your family be blessed now and in the coming year" usually isn't offensive. If you're unsure about someone's viewpoint, ask. Otherwise, have your celebration as you prefer, and leave the rest of us alone.
(Stepping off the soap box now...)
23. Favorite ornament theme or color?
When my children were at home, every year each of them received a new commemorative ornament of some kind. The tree was a mishmash of memories and I loved it. They are all gone now, and their ornaments with them. Other than that, I like sticking to the greenery theme—you know, the original pagan meaning of life enduring through the cold.
24. Favorite for Christmas dinner?
See Mexican feast above
25. What do you want for Christmas this year?
Peace and goodwill seem appropriate and beneficial, no matter your religious choice or lack of it. Of course, becoming Supreme Dictator of the World would be good, too.
Last call for entries for the Lonely Hearts Mountain book giveaway! Send email entries to romancebyrachelsmith@yahoo.com with “Me, me, me, pick me!” in the subject line, by December 24, 11:59 pm. Barring interference from the Universe, the winner will be notified December 26.
And the random question of the day:
Oscillate my metallic sonatas with your plan for the Panama canal:
Only after you explain to me how and where you obtained or developed musical compositions containing elements that conduct electricity and heat, and form cations and ionic bonds with non-metals. And how you get them to rotate. Yes, I know big words, too.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Love me, Love my work...Not.
It’s been a while since my last post, and for that I apologize. Holidays and other train wrecks have disrupted my blogging schedule. Although, to be honest, I don’t have a blogging schedule; I do this as the impulse hits me. Readers are lucky for anything they get.
Anyway. Abandoning the festive mood for the moment, let's address something relevant to writing. Over the last few months, reviews have come in for Lonely Hearts Mountain. They are what I consider mixed, meaning: No one has absolutely dissed the book, but some reviewers have pointed out flaws, while describing it overall as an entertaining read. And you know what? That’s okay.
I can’t remember and am too lazy to look, but I may have said here before that fiction writing, for me, strongly resembles channeling. It’s not a purely intellectual exercise. The characters tell the story, and I act as their scribe. Only after they’ve spewed the first draft onto the hard drive (via my fingers and keyboard) do I go back and look at things like sentence and paragraph structure, chapter organization, POV shifts, etc. And even then I seldom jerk with characterization and plot.
Guess what happens? Sometimes I wind up frowning over a plot sequence or device. Sometimes I snort in disgust at a character’s behavior. Sometimes I roll my eyes and think, “Really? What idiot is gonna buy that?”-- referring to whom you like, literally and figuratively. Editors, readers, reviewers…will they pay for it? Will they find it believable? Will they enjoy, it, even?
Who the hell knows? Not me. Who cares? Not me, again.
Don’t get me wrong. I want to write good books, meaning books that will sell and entertain, sometimes possibly even educate. I work hard to do that, and learn more about how to do it every day.
At the same time, I know my limitations and I know the real world. I’m not writing gilded classics here. At best, these are nothing more than entertaining stories. Not everyone will like them, all the time. Some folks will hate them, for a thousand different reasons. In the case of Lonely Hearts Mountain, one reviewer felt certain events moved along too quickly. So did I. (Who gets engaged after knowing someone for only six days? Seriously.) Another got really irritated with the female protagonist’s stupid decisions. So did I. (Dumbass, there are men with guns up on that mountain. Stay off it, for God sakes!)
And that’s okay. In the real world, in real life, events sometimes move quickly. We don’t always handle them well. Sometimes we make stupid decisions. Sometimes who we are beneath a façade--good or bad, in-character or not--becomes evident only in specific situations.
Story characters are people too, and they don’t always get everything right. Neither do I: as an individual, a writer, and their scribe. And still, that’s okay. One reviewer said she was glad I wasn't angry when she mentioned the story's flaws. Seriously, folks, if anyone out there really can’t acknowledge occasional less-than-total-perfection in themselves or their work, I know a few good shrinks you can speak to.
In the spirit of holiday giving, I’m offering a free PDF copy of Lonely Hearts Mountain to one reader, chosen randomly from everyone who emails me to enter the drawing between now and December 24, 11:59 pm (2359 for you military folks) per the email time stamp. Send email entries to romancebyrachelsmith@yahoo.com with “Me, me, me, pick me!” in the subject line. Barring intereference from the Universe, the winner will be notified December 26.
Not that I actually expect anyone to enter.
And finally, the random question of the day:
That can't really be a fish you're standing on, can it?
Only if it looks like one. Does it? (Yes, I briefly worked as a semi-shrink.)
**UPDATE**
I posted this entry, went to look at it on the page, and realised that the blog now has three actual followers. So henceforth I will cease whining about how no one is reading. Seriously, CJ, BJ, and Lori, you made my day. Thanks.
But I still bet no one enters the drawing for the book.
Anyway. Abandoning the festive mood for the moment, let's address something relevant to writing. Over the last few months, reviews have come in for Lonely Hearts Mountain. They are what I consider mixed, meaning: No one has absolutely dissed the book, but some reviewers have pointed out flaws, while describing it overall as an entertaining read. And you know what? That’s okay.
I can’t remember and am too lazy to look, but I may have said here before that fiction writing, for me, strongly resembles channeling. It’s not a purely intellectual exercise. The characters tell the story, and I act as their scribe. Only after they’ve spewed the first draft onto the hard drive (via my fingers and keyboard) do I go back and look at things like sentence and paragraph structure, chapter organization, POV shifts, etc. And even then I seldom jerk with characterization and plot.
Guess what happens? Sometimes I wind up frowning over a plot sequence or device. Sometimes I snort in disgust at a character’s behavior. Sometimes I roll my eyes and think, “Really? What idiot is gonna buy that?”-- referring to whom you like, literally and figuratively. Editors, readers, reviewers…will they pay for it? Will they find it believable? Will they enjoy, it, even?
Who the hell knows? Not me. Who cares? Not me, again.
Don’t get me wrong. I want to write good books, meaning books that will sell and entertain, sometimes possibly even educate. I work hard to do that, and learn more about how to do it every day.
At the same time, I know my limitations and I know the real world. I’m not writing gilded classics here. At best, these are nothing more than entertaining stories. Not everyone will like them, all the time. Some folks will hate them, for a thousand different reasons. In the case of Lonely Hearts Mountain, one reviewer felt certain events moved along too quickly. So did I. (Who gets engaged after knowing someone for only six days? Seriously.) Another got really irritated with the female protagonist’s stupid decisions. So did I. (Dumbass, there are men with guns up on that mountain. Stay off it, for God sakes!)
And that’s okay. In the real world, in real life, events sometimes move quickly. We don’t always handle them well. Sometimes we make stupid decisions. Sometimes who we are beneath a façade--good or bad, in-character or not--becomes evident only in specific situations.
Story characters are people too, and they don’t always get everything right. Neither do I: as an individual, a writer, and their scribe. And still, that’s okay. One reviewer said she was glad I wasn't angry when she mentioned the story's flaws. Seriously, folks, if anyone out there really can’t acknowledge occasional less-than-total-perfection in themselves or their work, I know a few good shrinks you can speak to.
In the spirit of holiday giving, I’m offering a free PDF copy of Lonely Hearts Mountain to one reader, chosen randomly from everyone who emails me to enter the drawing between now and December 24, 11:59 pm (2359 for you military folks) per the email time stamp. Send email entries to romancebyrachelsmith@yahoo.com with “Me, me, me, pick me!” in the subject line. Barring intereference from the Universe, the winner will be notified December 26.
Not that I actually expect anyone to enter.
And finally, the random question of the day:
That can't really be a fish you're standing on, can it?
Only if it looks like one. Does it? (Yes, I briefly worked as a semi-shrink.)
**UPDATE**
I posted this entry, went to look at it on the page, and realised that the blog now has three actual followers. So henceforth I will cease whining about how no one is reading. Seriously, CJ, BJ, and Lori, you made my day. Thanks.
But I still bet no one enters the drawing for the book.
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